When Grey Fades to Black
by tributeswiftie
Summary: "The mutts suddenly don't seem as terrifying and the thought of losing Peeta escapes her mind. Only Peeta could calm her down like this, when she's already so lost in her own mind. Peeta coaxes her through the nights, and in return, she deals with the struggles the days bring for them both." Katniss and Peeta still struggle years after the Games. But they know it'll get better.


**_When Grey Fades to Black_**

Even after Peeta had shaken Katniss awake from her nightmare, she felt as if she was still in it. It had taken five minutes at the most to wake her, once her thrashing woke him, but it felt like an eternity for both of them. They both knew how precious five minutes could be. You could die—physically and mentally—within five minutes. You could watch other people die within five minutes. You could lose yourself within five minutes. They knew thoughts like these were damaging but inevitable.

Her whole body ached when she woke up. Whether it was from thrashing, or actually having to run from the demons that haunt her, she didn't know. She couldn't tell because the nightmare felt so real. It easily drove her mad not knowing if it was real or not. Her breathing picks up to an alarming pace, and she puts her hands over her ears. The screams. Real. Those were real. _So _real.

Her sobbing and screams drown out Peeta from her foggy, delusional mind. She would always be mentally disordered in some way. Peeta desperately tries to pull her from the bonds of her nightmare, but she only cries harder.

She had taught herself how to wake up from a nightmare, how to calm herself down, how to not breakdown like this. She tried the methods, but they all failed. Her whole body tremors with her sobs, like she's being electrocuted. She curls up, eyes squeezed shut. Peeta tries to reach wherever she has locked up her mind, but she has locked the door. She was alone in her mind.

Peeta didn't give up trying to reach her as she collapsed in on herself. This nightmare had been the final straw in order for her to lose her mind all over again. He remembered last time this happened. She hadn't gotten out of bed for weeks. That couldn't happen again, she was just becoming herself again since last time.

"Katniss," Peeta whispers in her ear. "Hey. Katniss. Did I ever tell you about the time I saw the meadow for the first time?" She replies with a sob.

"It was my father who took me. It was before I was old enough to work at the bakery, so he was looking for something he could do with me on his day off. I suggested we just work on some drawings or paint a bit, but he suggested we take a walk," Katniss quiets her sobs. "I figured he was planning something, so I went along with it. We walked across the Square to the Seam. That was the first time I had also been in the Seam.

"When I first saw the meadow, I thought the whole day had been a dream. I didn't think the meadow could look any more beautiful. The sun was giving off a soft, pale yellow light. From the previous night's rain, the grass has water drops on it, and with the sun shining on it, it could take anybody's breath away. The flowers—oh, Katniss, the flowers!—they were blooming like crazy. It was in the middle of spring, so the weather was _amazing_," Peeta's eyes light up. The story allows Katniss to briefly take her mind off the creatures that are out there hunting her. "It was the kind of weather that we all love, and it makes you feel comfortable and alive. It's when the weather isn't so cold that you need a jacket, but then you aren't sweating gallons. You could be outside all day and the temperature would never change. It's _that_ kind of weather."

Katniss allows her mind to imagine the picture that Peeta is painting with his words. She can picture a young Peeta and a younger looking Mr. Mellark. She imagines Peeta staring and marveling its beauty, then trying to remember the image so he can paint it, at least once his father teaches him how. As Peeta continues to paint the image for her with words, she finds herself calming down. The mutts suddenly don't seem as terrifying and the thought of losing Peeta escapes her mind. Only Peeta could calm her down like this, when she's already so lost in her own mind. Peeta coaxes her through the nights, and in return, she deals with the struggles the days bring for them both.

By the time he finishes the story, Katniss is still crying, but silently. Right when he finishes his story, the anxiety of the nightmare hits her. She inhales, but then she feels her mind blank. She can't remember how to breathe. She starts choking on nothing. The words, "anxiety attack" pop into her mind. Does she have meds for this sort of thing? If so, does she even still own them? Or did she throw them away along with all the other medications they gave her? Either way, unless she can remember how to breathe, Peeta is going to have a harder time calming her down again.

Peeta grabs her shoulder and puts his face in front of hers. "Katniss, breathe. Just breathe." Peeta says softly before imitating the deep breaths she should be taking. His lips pucker and his chest puffs up as he inhales. He seems at ease, yet slightly panicked once he exhales.

She tries to take a deep breath, but she just chokes on air.

Katniss swears the walls are closing in on her, and that the mutts are camped out in the closet, just waiting for Katniss to emerge. Peeta puts his arms around her tense form to rub gentle circles onto her back. It calms her slightly, but she's still hyperventilating. When she is finally able to inhale without choking, she starts to sob again.

Katniss feels as if she'll be sick, but she's not sure why this nightmare has gotten so out of control. The mutts were chasing her, but that is a normal occurrence for her nightmares. She remembers running to someone, but when she reached him, the mutts started attacking him. She realized she had led the mutts straight to that man, but why was it bothering her so much? She locked herself up within the nightmare and watched it replay. The man had curly, ashy blonde hair. Their figure was tall and strong, but gentle. Then she heard the cry the man lets out when a mutt bites off his leg. Peeta. The man in the dream was Peeta and she can't bear the thought of losing Peeta. If she lost him, she'd be the next to join him. There would be no reason to live without Peeta.

Peeta sits her in his lap when she remembers how to breathe. She hides her head in his shoulder as he rubs her back. "It's just a dream, just a dream. It's okay. Shhh," Peeta coos in her ear.

"I-I can't," she chokes out. "I can't." Neither was sure why she was saying it, but it was all that would come out of her mouth.

_It was a dream. Peeta's alive. You're alive. You're both safe. It was just a dream_, she tells herself. Peeta whispers calming words to her, praying for them to get past the mental wall she's built within a matter of minutes. He rubs circles in between her shoulder blades as she quietly sobs into his shoulder. They stay like this until Katniss is all cried out, until she feels as if she sobs one more time she'll throw up the previous night's dinner.

He tries to coax her to lift her head, to stop hiding, but she nudges her head into his shoulder more every time he tries to lift her head. He sighs with defeat when he realizes she wants to be alone but can't handle being alone right now. Peeta tugs the hair tie that keeps her dark braid together. Her braid loosens from its tight woven pattern. Her shoulders lose some of their tension as Peeta runs his fingers through the braid to undo it. Peeta kisses the top of her head.

Katniss shifts her legs a bit, so they're laid out straight. She wraps her legs around Peeta's waist, pulling her knees up to press into his sides. Her boney knees press into his ribs in a painful way, but he doesn't mind it if it helps her feel better. He keeps his arms wrapped tightly around her until her trembling ceases. He attempts to bring her head from his shoulder, and finally, after hours of trying to calm her down, she lets her head rise with his hand under her chin.

Her eyes are red and puffy from the intense crying. He looks into her eyes and sees nothing but fear and sadness. He was afraid for her. Sometimes if things got too bad in her head, she would be a prisoner to the bed for days, sometimes weeks. She would shut everybody out and she would seem unreachable. Those were the times that Peeta wondered how she would cope if she was alone. Would she take her life? She'd tried that plenty of times even if she wasn't alone. Would she become like Haymitch? Drunk and lonely? Would she just lay in bed and be alone? Or would she figure out that the loneliness was only temporary? That she has a whole country there for her, wanting to pick her up if she fell apart? Peeta shook his head to shoo away the thoughts. Katniss was here, she was alive, and she was healing. That's all that mattered.

"I'm right here if you need me," he whispers. Peeta didn't know if he was whispering it to reassure her or himself.

"I know," she replies.

"I'm always here."

"I know."

Peeta puts his forehead against Katniss'. "I'm not leaving you, not now, not ever," he says. He plants a light kiss on the tip of her nose.

"I don't want you to leave," she whispers.

"Do you want to sleep?" Peeta asks. He knows the answer already, but he thought it would be worth a shot to ask anyway.

She takes her forehead off of his and buries her head in his chest. "No, not after that."

"Then lay with me," Peeta says. She doesn't object as he leans back both of them until they're laying down. Peeta reaches down by their thighs and pulls the sheets up to their shoulders. Katniss snuggles into the sheets and curls up against Peeta.

She worries for a brief moment about the morning, when he finally has to get out of bed to go to the bakery. She reminds herself he won't be too far, just a ten minute walk away. And Haymitch is just across the road if she needs him.

She pushes the thoughts away and puts her leg over Peeta's thigh. He buries his head in her hair, inhaling in its scent. Peeta falls asleep once he's sure Katniss won't breakdown crying again. Katniss stays awake though. She thinks about Peeta and her feelings for him. She's never confronted him on her feelings, but she assumes—and hopes—that he knows how she feels about him. About how every time he touched her, she felt tingly and warm, or how when he kissed her cheek or forehead (they'd never kissed on the lips since his return to District 12.) she would have to fight off a smile or the excitement that churned her stomach. He'd let his feelings for her—his confessions of love—slip a few times before, and she would always turn bright red, but there was a feeling nagging at her to tell him the same. Peeta had always changed the subject before she gathered the courage to say it.

Telling Peeta she loved him felt like she would finally be giving up her innocence. Peeta had claimed her as his long before, but he was still waiting for her to claim him. It has been five years since the war ended and since Peeta returned to District 12 and she still hasn't figured out how she feels about him.

Her stomach churns when she realizes what she needs to do. She can't keep making Peeta wait for her like this. She's sure she loves him, or at least that she needs him to survive.

For the first time in a while, her stomach doesn't churn at the thought of having to get through the day.

* * *

><p>She almost chickened out of her plan when she saw the look on Peeta's face. <em>This was a dumb idea. Should've never done this. Oh, God<em>, she thought. Peeta must've seen her fear at his reaction. He had walked in on Katniss sitting at the hearth, wearing a beautiful dress with her hair down its natural wavy pattern, and a plate of bread in front of her. He had stopped in his tracks and stared at her, speechless. He apparently gave her the wrong impression by doing so.

Katniss started fumbling with the ends of her hair with trembling hands. She was never one for big shows of affection, so this had blown him away. He can't imagine how much courage this must've taken her and now she thinks he's rejecting her.

He moves quickly and puts his arms around her before she can pick up the plate of bread. "You don't want to do this, don't you?" she whispers with a trembling voice.

Peeta forcefully shakes his head. "No. No, don't think like that. Of course I want to," he replies and strokes her hair.

"Then why did you look so horrified?" she chokes. His answer releases some of the pressure in her chest, but she won't be completely reassured until they've both fed each other burnt bread.

"I was just surprised. I didn't mean to upset you," he says. "I wasn't expecting to come home with you wanting to do a toasting." Peeta gently smiles at Katniss and she returns it with the corner of her mouth turning up.

"Can I change? Or are we going to break the tradition?" Peeta asks with a wink.

"Oh, go change," she says with the smile growing a bit bigger. He kisses her cheek and runs upstairs.

When he comes back down, he's dressed in a tuxedo and his hair is brushed back formally. He struggles with tying his tie as he sits down, so Katniss reaches over and helps him. A nervous laugh escapes them both as she straightens his tie. "I never thought I would be doing this," Katniss whispers.

"With me or with anyone?" He's still not sure that she would've fallen for him if it weren't for the Games. He's sure she would've run off into the woods with Gale and secretly married him at some point.

"With anyone," she confirms. He closes his eyes as she takes ahold of both of his hands.

"Peeta Mellark. Where do I start? You've done so much for me these past few years and I cannot thank you enough for that. We've gone through more than most people have, lost more than most people have. But we never lost each other. Even when you were in the Capitol—" she quickly scans his eyes before proceeding, to make sure that it's okay if she mentions it. "—yes, I was certain you were dead, and honestly hoped you were dead. If you were dead then you wouldn't have to go through any more pain that I caused. It would've made the aftermath of the rebellion harder to get though, but I would know that you were in a better place.

"I know I'm not good with words like you, so I'm trying my best. I know you probably don't think I love you still, but after last night, I realized I needed you more than I thought. My nightmare, it was about a mutt chasing me and I was trying to run away. There was a figure that I ran towards, hoping they could help me. But when I reached the figure, the mutts attacked him and killed him. I realized the figure was you, and you saw what that did to me. That's when I admitted to myself that I love you, but the truth is, I think I've loved you all along." Katniss' throat starts to tighten and her vision blurs with tears.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to realize and so many catastrophes for me to notice you and to realize I love you," Katniss finishes. She looks up to Peeta and sees him teary eyed too, but after a few moments of staring, he starts laughing. "What's so funny? I'm pouring my heart out here and you're laughing!"

"No. No, it's just that—oh, Katniss, you have no idea the effect you have. And you've never shown much affection for me. I didn't know you had it in you to confess to all that," Peeta says with a trembling smile.

"Well, that's the whole point right now. I'm trying to tell you I love you. God, Peeta Mellark, I am in love with you and I'm trying to show you that," Katniss chokes out as the first tear slips down her cheek. "I'm trying to show you that I want you to be mine."

Peeta is speechless for a few moments. He feels his throat tighten. "I almost feel like my vows aren't necessary right now," he jokes. Katniss lets out a nervous giggle that lifts some of the pressure off her chest.

"No, it's time for you to pour your heart out, too, and watch me laugh at you," Katniss tells Peeta. He's quiet for a moment as he thinks of what to say.

"Katniss Everdeen, I have been head over heels for you ever since you sang the valley song in music class that day in school. I have tried to get over you so many times, but no matter what I did, you always found your way back into my heart. I'm glad you never left my heart because if you weren't here with me right now, I don't know where I would be, how I would be. I live because you gave me a reason to. I was so willing to sacrifice myself so you could live, but I see now that it wouldn't have helped you, it would've burdened you worse.

"I love you with my whole entire existence. I would be lost without you. Thank you for loving me when I thought no one could love me anymore. Thank you for being you. I thank God every day for letting me get to love you, for letting you exist. I can't imagine a world without you, and that world would be unlivable without you by my side. I don't care how long I live, just as long as I have you by my side."

He takes a deep breath to keep from sobbing. "Katniss Everdeen, I love you," he tells her. She looks up from her lap and he sees how hard she is crying. He reaches out and holds her tightly before letting go and grabbing the bread.

Peeta cuts the small roll of bread in half, and hands Katniss a half. Together, they stick the slices into the bright, blazing fire and watch as they bake. They're both quietly sobbing, wondering how lucky they got to have each other. They both laugh a bit when Katniss gets a small burn on her hand from having the bread too close to the fire. Peeta kisses the red on her fingertips and makes a mental note to apply burn cream to them for her before bed.

When they decide the bread is cooked enough, they pull their pieces from the fire and look up at each other. Neither of them could believe this was happening. This has surely been one of the happiest things that has happened to them in a long time. Both are afraid that it's a dream, or a hallucination, or that this moment, this happiness, will be taken away from them like everything else does.

Katniss lifts her hand first, and Peeta follows suit after a few seconds. The tears come harder as they lift the bread to the other's mouth. They're both so happy that it's overwhelming. They bite the bread, trying to savor the exact taste of it.

"It's the same bread you gave me in the rain," Katniss notes.

Peeta smiles. "I'm so thankful I gave you that bread," he whispers. Katniss smiles widely.

"So, we're married now," she chokes out.

"Finally," Peeta says. Peeta reaches out for her wrist. Peeta leans in to close the space between them and Katniss meets him halfway.

Their lips collide in the first kiss they've shared since their return to Twelve. It's soft and sweet at first, but when they pull away, they both feel the hunger for one another. The next one is like the one they shared on the beach during the Quarter Quell. It's deep and passionate and leaves them hungry for more. The kisses continue, and eventually, they're too overwhelmed with the wanting of each other that the tears stop. _Mine. You're mine_, Katniss thinks. _Oh, God, you're all mine_.

They kiss until their lips are swollen and their faces are flushed. They are completely out of breath, but it doesn't stop them from kissing for some more.

When the wanting becomes too much for them to handle, Peeta lifts her up and carries her to bed, not bothering with the fire. That night they give themselves up completely. It seals the marriage and promise of love. They give their innocence to each other, like it's a wedding gift. Katniss knows that this was bound to happen anyway, her ending up with Peeta. She wouldn't be able to stand Gale if she married him. He has too much fire and hatred for her to add to her own. She needs someone to reel her back in when she's lost, someone gentle and kind.

She needs her dandelion in the spring.

* * *

><p>The morning isn't too grand, but it's a relief to both Katniss and Peeta when neither of them wake up screaming from a nightmare. Katniss stays curled up against Peeta for a long while, or at least until he announces that he needs to use the bathroom. She rolls over to her side of the bed and curls up beneath the warm sheets.<p>

She thinks about last night. She knows it was bound to happen at some point anyway, Peeta and her marrying. She didn't expect herself to confess her feelings as deeply as she did, but she does not regret it. Katniss doesn't take back her confession, her offering of burnt toast, and her actions following the toasting.

When Peeta comes back into the room, he's holding a small tube of cream. Katniss is confused for a moment before she notices the throbbing and aching in her fingertips. Peeta sits cross-legged on his side of the bed. He puts his hand under the sheets to find Katniss' hand.

"I used to burn myself all the time when I first started baking," Peeta tells her with a small smile. "My dad would give me cream to apply to the burns before I went to bed. When I woke up in the morning, the burns would still hurt, but not as much as they would have if I hadn't used the cream."

He turns her hand over so her palm faces up. He traces the creases in her palm for a moment before he remembered the cream and the burns. Peeta takes the tube and squeezes a bit onto his fingertip. He puts the cool cream against Katniss' slightly blistered fingertips. She sighs of relief from the pain. She can't imagine getting burns like these—or worse ones for that matter—every day. Peeta massages the cream into her fingertips and she rests her head on his shoulder.

"Told you it made the burns feel better," he says under his breath.

"I can't imagine getting these on a daily basis," Katniss replies. "I've already got enough to last me a lifetime."

Peeta's face flashes with disapproval of her joke for a second before realizing that she was actually joking. "You and me both," he says with a small smile.

* * *

><p>"So, I have to change my last name now I guess."<p>

"What a misfortune."

"Oh, I wouldn't see it as that."

"The Capitol might."

"Screw the Capitol."

"Should we call your mother?"

"Actually, can we keep to ourselves for a while? Once we tell someone they'll tell someone else and next thing you know we can't leave the house because there are so many reporters outside."

"Good idea. It'll be our little secret."

"I love that. Us finally keeping a secret from everybody else."

"The tables have been turned."

"Indeed."

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Peeta Mellark."


End file.
